I’m right here. And I always will be.
Holy crapcakes I haven't updated this thing in 17 months. However, I am happy to report that over 9% of the traffic to this site has come from searches for "amish beard".
It was an unusually gloomy Saturday in Boulder and I decided to get off my ass and take some photos.
I thought it looked like Ireland. "Or Jurassic Park", a bypasser said. I liked his better.
This got my creative juices flowing so I endeavored to create a new blog post. With Mother Day's on Sunday, I felt this was fertile ground considering my previous rant about the oft-maligned Sweetest Day, a Valentine's Day knockoff holiday celebrated on the third Saturday in October -- and only in the Great Lakes Region. If you're wondering what exactly encompasses that region (you are), well sir, wonder no more.
And speaking of the Great Lakes, now that I no longer live in my home state of Michigan, I decided a t-shirt ode was in order. I think this one is pretty great:
And a cute girl never hurts.
Over the years I've had a few blogs and I'm happy to see that my tendency to bandy about random shit before getting to the intended topic has not abated. So yeah, Mother's Day. I would never make the argument that they don't deserve their own day (Valentine's Day, on the other hand), but I have always been bothered by the narrative of jewelry commercials (whether for Mother's Day or not), which seems to be:
Show her you love her by buying an expensive rock.
To which I have the following reactions:
- Show her you love her by showing her you love her.
Possessions pale in comparison to experiences. Not that thoughtful gifts aren't romantic, but... - Be spontaneous you goon!
If the calendar dictates when you're thoughtful, I have some news for you. - It's. A. Fucking. Rock.
Well, technically...
A diamond is a form of modified carbon, formed in the mantel of the earth, the highly viscous layer between the rocky crust and the super-heated core (about 140 to 190 km down).
The intense pressure (between 45 and 50 kilobars or 680,000 psi -- about 4,000 grown men standing on your foot) and temperature (between 900 and 1300 degrees C -- about 2012 degrees F) changes the molecular structure of carbon.
The carbon atoms are crushed together in a tetrahedral bond (with four others), forming a super strong latice-like structure, which is what turns carbon into diamonds.
They are then brought up to the surface through magma flows and are attached to kimberlite rocks (cooled magma).
Yeah, definitely did way too much research for this.
Oh my, that rabbit hole just kept on going. So it turns out diamonds are actually kind of cool scientifically, but let's not forget that their main appeal continues to be the fact that they are shiny, rare (read: expensive) and a symbol of status. By the way, what if they (you know, they) discover a shit-ton of diamonds on another planet? Do they still hold the same value if they don't hold the same value? If they are commonplace and cheap?
Ok preacher, that's enough. I thought this was supposed to be kind of funny and here I am talking about chemical processes and social norms. ANYWAY since I rarely see commercials anymore, I had to look up some for Mother's Day. I remember Kay Jewelers being a particular offender of hokey crap back in the day and searching for them did not disappoint.
Three things.
- This Mother's Day, let her know how much those kisses really meant
This really grinds my gears. So how much DOE$ your mother mean to you? - Really, a necklace with a gaudy ass key?
- I must say, I LOVE the kid's reaction at :25 where it totally seems like he's being sarcastic. Yeah Mom, we know you love expensive ugly shit -- that's why we pooled together and bought it. Also, my shoes no longer function.
Ok, I saved the best for last. By no means am I the first to notice how amazing this commercial is. But hopefully I am the first to bring it to you.
AND I ALWAYS WILL BE. (:09)
I honestly don't think I can watch that part without laughing. Watch it again, just for me. I'm laughing somewhere.
SURROUND HER WITH THE STRENGTH OF YOUR LOVE (:14)
Is it just me or does that sound like a veiled threat?
DON'T LET GO...EVER.
Yeah these two sound healthy. And again, is it just me or are the dual vocals for "Every kiss begins with kay" at the end sound kind of Buffalo Bill creepy?
And finally, let's highlight the YouTube page this comes from:
And finally...
The Stay Puft Electrical Socket
This is due to watching Ghostbusters on a weekly basis as a kid, but when I look at an electrical outlet, I always see the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man right before he gets nuked. Now you will too.
If you're wondering why Winston was cropped out, well, it's not the first time.
Muddy Sneakers
I wrote this back in July of 2008 and recently rediscovered it.
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So yesterday I had a softball game. We lost, like always, but it's still fun to be outside doing something. What can I say, I like to sweat.
After the game I had a hankering for ice cream. I passed by the Daily Queen on 9 Mile but decided not to stop when I saw a long line of people waiting. I instead opted for Ferndale Foods after picking up Enter the Dragon.
I was in a pretty good mode despite the loss. Sarah, my indelible roommate of four years who will be moving out soon, said that we should watch some Kung Fu movies before she leaves. I agreed wholeheartedly. Do you like Kung Fu? *trance* I love Kung Fu. Side note, I did not know they were referring to the show Kung Fu in Office Space. So it goes. In any case, I decided Bruce Lee was in order. And ice cream. I made a bee line for the frozen section and picked up some Muddy Sneakers. It claimed to have candy pieces, which is what sold me on it. This turned out to be total bullshit -- at best there were six very tiny wafers of chocolate hidden in the box as some kind of cruel joke.
I headed to the checkout and saw a lane with a light on. A young, blonde girl was sitting down with her back turned. Confused, I asked if she was open. She just shook her head solemnly, like someone had stolen her dog, so I, more confused, began to walk away, thinking 'Just turn your damn light off Debbie.'
She then told me she was kidding, so I knew immediately that she was on drugs. Since there was only one thing to scan, the exchange was brief, but memorable:
'So have you been drinking?'
The conclusion I came to was that a guy who comes into a grocery store just to buy ice cream must be drinking. Admittedly this wasn't a great conclusion, but there's only so much time to think before responding. Either way, I felt compelled to explain my purchase.
'Oh no, I just finished playing softball, and had a craving for ice cream.'
I then lifted my leg up, exposing cleats, for some reason proving that I had indeed been playing softball. Why I did this, and why I do some of the things I do, is unknown.
'Oh. Cause I smell alcohol.'
I then realized that I did, in fact, have a few beers during the game. It's a proven fact that beer only makes you better at softball. And driving. So I told her that actually, I had been drinking. This understandably puzzled her, as I could tell she was wondering why I had apparently lied about it. The truth is, since it was only a few beers, I didn't even think of it as 'drinking'. However, I chose to express this as....
'I thought you meant drinking like DRINKING.'
(And then, after a pause)
'Like, in it to win it.'